Vance Torn in Custody Battle Between Feuding Billionaires Trump, Musk

Washington — As the bitter feud between Donald Trump and Elon Musk continues to spiral into a public soap opera of name-calling, ketamine allegations, and calls for deportation, one man finds himself caught tragically in the middle: Vice President J.D. Vance.

“I just don’t know who I’m going to live with,” Vance told Alpine 6 Action News in an exclusive interview from the armrest of his tufted velvet fainting couch. “Daddy Trump says I’ll always be his special baby boy, but Daddy Musk promised me ketamine and a SpaceX internship. I just want a family again.”

The tension has escalated sharply in recent days, with Trump calling Musk a “no-talent CEO junkie” on Truth Social, while Musk fired back by tweeting that Vance should “replace Trump entirely—like an AI clone of Reagan, but with better cheekbones.” The post was liked 4.2 million times and flagged for drug references.

Sources close to the Oval Office said Trump was “devastated” by Musk’s apparent attempt to poach his protégé. “No one has brushed JD’s hair like I have,” Trump reportedly told aides. “Not even Elon with his robot toothbrush drones.”

Vance, 40, who has served as Trump’s human footstool in both campaign and policy matters, now finds himself a political orphan. His team has been in damage control mode since Musk’s comment went viral and Bannon, from the back of a truck full of protein powder and rage, called for Musk’s deportation and the seizure of his companies.

“I love them both,” Vance said. “But if I had to choose, I guess I just want to go where my couch can come with me. It’s got my shape molded into it. Also, the upholstery reminds me of Trump’s skin—leathery, confusingly orange, yet oddly comforting.”

The couch in question, reportedly a gift from a QAnon Etsy store, has accompanied Vance since the 2022 midterms. Aides say he spends “20-22 hours a day on it,” usually reapplying eyeliner and listening to live SpaceX comms over a speaker pillow.

White House officials have expressed concern about the emotional toll on Vance, who has begun referring to himself in the third person as “The Little Boy Between the Stars and the Wall.”

Meanwhile, both Musk and Trump have laid out competing visitation schedules. Musk proposed alternating weeks between Boca Chica and Burning Man, while Trump demanded full custody, “with limited supervised visits from Elon, preferably in a padded room.”

Legal experts say that unless the Constitution is amended to include a clause for billionaire custody proceedings, Vance may have to make the painful choice on his own.

“I just hope we can still all have Thanksgiving together,” Vance sniffled. “And that Daddy Elon brings the good ket.”