Connecticut cheesemakers warn Hurricane O’Houlihan may lead to massive shortages

NEW LONDON, Conn. – Cheesemakers across the Nutmegger state are advising citizens to stock up on cheese prior to the arrival of Hurricane O’Houlihan, which is scheduled to make landfall Monday.

According to Bill Curd, president of the Connecticut Association of Freelance Cheesemakers and Doily Crocheters, if the current weather models for Hurricane O’Houlihan hold true, the massive weather anomaly could lead to cheese shortages similar to, if not worse than, those in the wake of the Great Creamery Fire of 1809.

“This storm truly terrifies me,” said Curd. “It’s very likely that if you don’t stock up on cheese now, you may be unable to get any for days, maybe even weeks, in the aftermath of this storm. We’re talking about some serious Biblical-level apocalyptic scenarios here.”

Curd also said he believes that a cheese shortage could have cataclysmic effects on the Connecticut economy because, as we all know, the state’s entire GDP is built on New Haven pizza and its superiority over New York and Chicago style pies.

“If the cheese economy collapses, the pizza economy collapses, and the next thing you know, Fairfield County will more closely resemble a homeless encampment rather than the beacon of prestige we should all be striving to become,” said Curd, a Darien native. “I shiver at the thought.”

The Connecticut Association of Freelance Cheesemakers and Doily Crocheters has petitioned Gov. Ned Lamont to take immediate action to prevent this possibly inevitable situation from happening.

“The governor proclaimed that Connecticut is the pizza capitol of the world,” said Tad Crater, CAFCDC treasurer and publisher of the Cheese Snob Weekly Substack newsletter. “What kind of capitol would we be if there was no cheese? We demand immediate deployment of the National Guard and the state militia to protect our state’s greatest dairy resource.”

Although the governor’s office has not officially commented on the petition, which currently has tens of signatures, word on the street is that his administration is actively stockpiling mozzarella in a secret underground bunker beneath the Connecticut National Guard’s Gov. William A. O’Neill Armory in Hartford in the event O’Houlihan causes a disruption to the pizza supply chain.

“The governor’s office is being very secretive about its cheese dealings,” said Curd. “We wish the administration would be more transparent about this critical issue, but we also understand the need for protecting sensitive information. We may never know how much cheese the Connecticut government is hording in the event of a cheese collapse, but we can imagine how degraded American society will become if we’re all forced to eat New Jersey or—God forbid—Chicago style pizza. There will be anarchy.”

Hurricane O’Houlihan is scheduled to make landfall on Monday. Officials from the Department of Emergency Management and Homeland Security is encouraging everyone to make sure they have the essentials they need to ride out the storm and its aftermath. This includes things like food, fresh water, batteries, a crank radio, toilet paper, and—of course—cheese.

Eversource has already declared a 650% increase in utility bills ahead of the storm with zero guarantees they’ll be prepared to respond to power outages.