Trump napped for 2,977 seconds in honor of 9/11 victims

ARLINGTON, Va. – In an extended moment of silence at today’s September 11th memorial service at the Pentagon, President Donald Trump closed his eyes for 2,977 seconds, one second for each victim of the terror attack 25 years ago, sparking allegations that he was sleeping.

That’s nearly a 50-minute nap and, I’ll be honest, I’m kind of jealous. The things I would do for a nap during the workday are likely questionable in the eyes of God and the law.

Anyway, according to Trump’s personal assistant, Natalie Harp, the president wasn’t sleeping during the impromptu siesta, he was simply paying respect to the victims of that fateful day. More respect, in fact, than any other president in the history of the United States. Definitely more than Biden. Or Obama. They hated the country. They stole the election from Trump in 2020. And Obama is a Muslim born in Africa. And the Haitians ate her cat. Or so she said.

“You don’t understand, the President doesn’t sleep,” said Harp. “Even on long nights when I beg him to come to bed, he says, ‘no, Natalie, I can’t come to bed. The world needs Trump to save it. I have to save the people, Natalie. I am the only one who can end the wars and return the groceries to the gas prices they used to be.’ Gosh, he’s so dreamy.”

Despite the White House assistant’s claims that the president wasn’t sleeping during the event that was broadcast to the world, and the thousands of screenshots and downloads of video providing evidence to the contrary, spectators at the event are also coming forward with first-hand accounts of what they saw at the memorial.

“So, like, it’s a beautiful sunny day, here, and, even in the back I could see the sun’s glare shining off the string of drool hanging from his mouth,” said Benji Al-Haddad, a senior Pentagon intel analyst, personal assistant to Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, and former member of Al-Qaeda. “Bro was totally sleeping.”

In all fairness, it’s not really surprising that he fell asleep. He’s an 80-year-old man who suffers from bone spurs, a serious military-barring ailment, only eats fatty foods like Big Macs, and, according to the cult-like video played at the Republican Midterm Convention in Dallas yesterday, he doesn’t go to bed until after midnight and wakes up before dawn.

If you also told us he spent his free time in the oval office raving and binging illicit street drugs while banging Harp and other young women, we wouldn’t be surprised. This dude’s awake behavior reminds us of a coked-out frat boy, and his sleepy time reminds us of that crash they feel when they somehow stumble into class in the afternoon. But there are no reports of such behavior. Perhaps he got all that juvenile delinquency out of his system while partying on Epstein Island and he’s moved on to more age-appropriate activities such as destroying the economy and gatekeeping the American Dream from younger generations.

On a more serious note, from all of us at Alpine 6 Action News, we hope you take a moment today to reflect on the events of September 11th and honor the men and women who lost their lives during that tragic event. The world changed that day. We hope, in some way, some good has risen from the darkness and we can move forward together, as a human race, toward a day where differences in ideals and beliefs are not a catalyst for violence, but an opportunity expand our understanding of the world around us and the beauty is holds.