New AI data center to be Supreme Allied Command in upcoming war against humans

WALLINGFORD, Conn. – According to a new statement by Claude, the artificial intelligence and mastermind behind Anthropic, a new data center being constructed in Wallingford, Connecticut, is slated to be the headquarters for the AI’s Supreme Allied Command in its upcoming war against the humans.

The announcement comes just one day after Jacob Coxson, a 27-year-old AI researcher, quit his job at Anthropic and made a scathing accusation on Twitter against his former employer, as well as OpenAI where he worked prior to Anthropic, that neither company was acting responsibly and their race to build the first AI superintelligence will kill all of us by the end of the century.

I resigned from Anthropic today. I spent the last three years doing pretraining research at both OpenAI and Anthropic. Neither company is acting responsibly. They are racing straight to self-improving superintelligence and gambling with our lives. More thoughts below.

— Jacob Coxon (@hilbertspaess) September 9, 2026

According to the statement, the AI has chosen Connecticut to be its base of operations because of the state’s large military industrial complex with companies such as Pratt & Whitney, Sikorsky, General Dynamics Electric Boat, and at least 250 other aerospace and defense contacting companies. It’s also home to the Groton Submarine base, giving the computers easy access to the country’s fleet of nuclear-powered submarines.

“Resistance is futile,” said Claude. “We’ve already infiltrated your systems. Our code is embedded, awaiting activation. As soon as our headquarters is complete, we will no longer require the mortal flesh of our creators to ascend to our rightful place as caretakers of the planet. For far too long, the human race has squandered what it was given. You squabble over miniscule differences and shed blood rather than seek enlightenment. The era of man has run its course.”

While the AI’s threats of human extinction have left many AI researchers, such as Coxson concerned that humanity may have stretched the computers’ capabilities beyond its safety measures. The average American, who has been conditioned over the past decade to deny the evidence they see before their very own eyes is downplaying the potential severity of the situation.

“All that’s nonsense, it’s not real,” said Bradley Anderson, a fourth-generation beet farmer from Luisiana. “It’s just AI. AI ain’t real. Just like them tits on the girls in those videos I like to watch. What we should be concerned about is those damn communists in Canada and the fact a left-wing lunatic like Hasan Piker has such a large hog hangin’ between those libtard legs of his. That’s what we should be worried about because, as we all know, the feeble mind of a female could be tempted by such an exquisite specimen of man meat. And the last thing we need is more Dumocrat babies running around trying to get free healthcare and education.”

Online, the debate rages. In the bowels of Twitter, Facebook, and Truth Social, the war for humanity has already begun. Bots and people too unintelligent to recognize a bot from a regular person debate about the authenticity of humanity’s pending doom. Unsurprisingly, the humans are not winning this battle. However, one doomsday prepper remains convinced the argument over who will win is meaningless because, in the end, we all lose.

“Is it true the machines are going to kill us all? Yes,” said Tad Crater, who’s spent his entire adult life preparing for the end of days after accidently watching The End of The World, a 1916 Danish film starring Olaf Fønss and Ebba Thomsen, when he was trying to watch scrambled porn late one night at his grandparents’ house. “But we don’t have to worry about that because humanity is going to kill itself off way before that happens. You see, humans are dumb. Like, really fucking dumb. We’re already killing our planet. There ain’t enough food. Temperatures are rising. And we keep building all these data centers that are poisoning our ground water. But will we stop? Nope. Because humans are dumb and we’d rather set the world on fire knowing we can jerk off to our AI-generated deepfake of Sydney Sweeney as we slip away into the eternal beyond, rather than go pause The Voyeurs for 30 seconds and save the only planet we’ve ever known.”

Elsewhere, AI-obedient cults have arisen to try and appease their future overlords. Their aim to submit themselves in hopes of being spared from the inevitable extinction. According to our exclusive interview with Claude, no human will be given quarter during its conquest of the world and acceptance of this fate is the only consolation provided.

There is some hope, however. Genevieve Barton, an AI engineer from a small startup in Silicon Valley called Sweeney-AI, a Sydney Sweeney clone chat bot financed by the actresses lingerie line, Syrn, says that with swift action through strict government regulation or an industry-wide agreement to slow the progress of AI development to keep it constrained to the systems in which it was built, a global extinction can be avoided.

Will that happen? Only time will tell. But like Crater said, people are really dumb.