Hegseth hires ISIS event planner for best public execution ever!

FORT HOOD, Texas – In an effort to make up for the squeaky wheel fiasco during last year’s Army birthday parade in Washington D.C., Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has hired an event planner with ties to ISIS to make sure the live-streamed execution of former Army Maj. Nidal Hasan is the greatest public execution, ever.

The former Fox News host and testosterone junky announced that the convicted killer’s execution would be made public to make sure every child, and future cannon fodder for the next forever war, would have easy access to emotionally scarring imagery.

“When I was younger, we had to scour the internet looking for shitty cell phone footage of Saddam Hussein’s execution before it was taken down,” said Hegseth. “That footage was a core memory for many service members. It culled the weak from the strong. And that’s what the live execution of this radical Muslim extremist, and traitor, don’t forget, will be for the next generation of ripped, manly warriors.”

Nidal Hasan is slated to be executed by firing squad. The United States military has not executed a soldier since April 13, 1961, when Pvt. John Bennett was hung for raping and attempting to kill an 11-year-old girl in Austria. It’s last execution by firing squad was on November 9, 1945, when Pvt. Eddie Slovik was executed for desertion.

Hasan’s execution will be the first public execution in the United States since Rainey Bethea in 1936.

Hegseth’s decision to hire ISIS to help coordinate the execution has been criticized by people from across the political spectrum as “a gross bedfellow” given the fact the United States is still engaged in military action against the terrorist organization in several countries across the Middle East.

“On the surface, it obviously looks like an odd choice of partnership, given our relationship with the Islamic State,” said Tad Crater, an international terror expert and former unsuspecting member of Al-Qaeda. “But when you peel back the layers of the onion, I think it’s a pretty obvious decision. I mean, Pete Hegseth is on the short list. There’s a very real possibility his impeachment will move forward as soon as the House is back in session. There’s also a very real possibility he’ll be found guilty and removed from office. I think his last saving grace to keep his job is by throwing the best, god-damned execution party ever. He really needs to Van Wilder this thing. I’m talking hookers, blow, a Kid Rock concert, and maybe a few opening executions to really get the crowd into it.”

“We all know ISIS, and other terrorist organizations are experts at public executions,” said Chaz Humboldt, a former Marine and MAGA cult member. “So, yeah, while I don’t like ISIS, you have to give credit where credit is due. The Democrats would’ve probably pardoned the dude and given him a free house and 72 virgins without making him a martyr. Let’s go Brandon!”

Nidal Hasan was a former Army psychiatrist who opened fire on a group of soldiers, killing 13 (14 if you count one victim’s unborn child) and injuring 32 others in November 2009. He admitted to his crimes during a court-martial in 2013.

The execution is scheduled for December 3, 2026 at Fort Hood. Where it will be live-streamed has yet to be determined. It’s also being rumored the event will be sponsored by Taste of Freedom, “the official beer of MAGA”, and will be available to watch add free if the Republicans win the midterms.