Hegseth announces new pube grooming standards for the military

WASHINGTON – In Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth’s ongoing crusade to beautify the military, the Pentagon has released a memo highlighting new grooming standards for the pubic hair of male and female warfighters.

According to the new standards, servicemembers will be required to maintain “neatly groomed and tapered pubic hair with a maximum bulk of no more than two inches at the mons pubis “.

“Secretary Hegseth was tired of seeing dudes’ dicks in the locker room with wild, flowing manes,” said a Pentagon official who spoke to Alpine 6 Action News on the condition of anonymity. “He said it looked unprofessional and was probably an indicator of low testosterone. He repeatedly mentioned that these new grooming standards have nothing to do with whether or not he can grow a full, manly dick beard.”

During his tenure as secretary of defense—between sending classified war plans over an unsecured Signal chat and possibly committing war crimes—Hegseth has made warrior sex appeal his number one priority.

Despite only being a year and half into the job, he’s already threatened to kick out service members who medically require shaving profiles, aren’t skinny enough, or aren’t trans enough to look like a hot chick. So, the next logical step in the yassification of the U.S. military is to ensure their nether regions are tightly groomed.

“Technically speaking, a service member’s privates are private,” said Tad Crater, a profession urinalysis observer at the Boston Military Entry Processing Station. “No one should be able to lay eyes on another person’s ding dong or woohoo except their significant other, doctor, or urinalysis observer. How are [non-commissioned officers] supposed to check for compliance on this?”

News of the new grooming standards has already been met with both optimistic praise and bewildered resentment from across the military.

“I think this update is long overdue,” said Sgt. Maj. Paul Franklin, operations sergeant major at the 99th Readiness Division. “It’s a well-known fact you can’t get a good seal on a gas mask with a beard. That’s why we don’t allow beards on your face and that’s why we won’t allow them, now, on your balls. Hooah!”

“I’ve heard a lot of really dumb ideas during my time in the military,” said Sgt. 1st Class Walton Quincy, a platoon sergeant with the 101st Airborne Division (Air Assault). “An old NCO of mine once had us stick forks in electrical outlets to see which ones were working. This is, by far, a much stupider idea.”

The deadline to begin enforcing this new standard is October 1st, the beginning of the Government’s fiscal year. However, several civil rights organizations have already announced they plan to sue the Pentagon over these new standards claiming they violate servicemember privacy.