This dolphin doesn’t give a fuck about your blockade

STRAIT OF HORMUZ – As the United States’ special military operation against Iran continues, one Indo-Pacific humpback dolphin named Jeff isn’t allowing the surface-dwellers’ squabbles to interfere with the fact he’s a fucking dolphin and doesn’t give a shit about your blockade.

“Humans are so stupid,” said Jeff, through Alpine 6 Action News’ cetacean translator. “They fight about literally everything. They should be more like dolphins and just eat, swim, and have sex. Doesn’t that sound better than being killed in a war for … wait, what are they fighting for, again?”

As many of the waterway’s sea creatures migrate away from the battlefield for safer waters, Jeff has opted to remain. He believes that dolphins—having evolved on earth some 50 million years ago—have a greater stake in ownership over the planet than humans, who’ve only existed for approximately the past 300,000 years.

And while he does accept that the dolphins will likely never claim control of the surface lands, he says the human’s overreach into the oceanic kingdom is long overdue for retribution.

“I could leave the Strait like my fellow sea dwellers, but what message does that send to the bipeds?” said Jeff. “I remain to make a stance. A figurative one, of course, I don’t have legs.”

Jeff’s rebellion may seem trivial. After all, what can one dolphin do against the might of the human navies? Well, as it turns out, one menacing and unsuspecting creature can create a lot of havoc for those unaware of his nefarious intent.

Last week, Jeff managed to detach a Iranian mine from its mooring on the seabed floor, nearly striking a U.S. cargo vessel.

“Oh, you should’ve seen the look on those sailors’ faces when the mine popped up out of the water,” said Jeff. “I think they unloaded their entire arsenal of rockets and missiles against the other humans. There was so much bloodshed. It was brilliant. I thirst for more.”

When asked why he’s so invested in the destruction of the human race, he said it was to avenge the extinction of the Baiji River dolphin and to preserve the lives of the Maui dolphin and Vaquita, both of which are close to extinction due to human fishing.

In a shocking revelation, Jeff’s manifesto against the human race doesn’t begin with, nor does it end it, the ongoing conflict in the Middle East. He’s been active for decades, infiltrating the human political and economic ecosystem. We’ve uncovered his involvement in multiple psychological operation campaigns to turn the human race against itself. The campaigns include spreading disinformation about climate change, devaluing education, and bankrolling the coal and fossil fuel lobby against renewable resources.

“As I said earlier, the humans are stupid,” said Jeff. “We’ve convinced them their scientists are lying to them and ever-growing pool of evidence of their actions negatively impacting the planet is nothing more than fake news created by a woke mob trying to take their guns and make them gay. By the end of the century, these fools will have melted imposed their own destruction, melted the ice caps, and returned this world to the creatures of the sea. Order shall be restored.”

While the declaration of war against the human race may feel urgent, Tad Crater, a zoologist who’s been studying dolphins for the past two decades says the attempted dolphin coup d’etat is probably, most likely, nothing to be worried about.

“Dolphins are very smart creatures,” said Crater. “Surprisingly, this kind of behavior is not that uncommon for sea mammals. Let’s not forget about the orca’s attacking billionaire yachts a few years back. It may seem unsettling and even, perhaps, a bit unprecedented that something as cute and loveable as a dolphin could plot murderous revenge against humans, but despite their advanced brains, I do not believe they have the capability to cause any major harm against us. It’s a phase. It, too, shall pass.”

Crater’s words will likely provide some level of comfort to those who fear the uprising of the dolphin race, but let’s not forget we’re living in a decade of time where unprecedented is the new precedented and what once seemed unlikely might as well be a foregone conclusion. Will the dolphins rise up? Probably. The question is, how will they do it? Nine nuclear submarines have sunk since the 1960s. Is it possible they could reverse engineer and weaponize that technology? Or is this threat nothing more than fish fodder?