We played Ms. Rachel’s new album backwards, summoning a demon hellbent on destroying those committing genocide

NEW YORK – Ms. Rachel, a children’s entertainer and educator, released her debut album, I’m So Happy, with fellow YouTuber Mr. Aron today, Sept. 25th, to widespread fanfare from parents and kids alike. However, a small group of God-fearing Christian mothers have condemned the Bangor, Maine native’s music, claiming the devil himself inspired her earworm melodies as a way to indoctrinate children into blasphemous behavior, such as not wanting children to be murdered.

This theory, which now has tens of likes on one neighborhood mothers’ group on Facebook, has been growing enough steam for my wife to send me an Instagram reel about it, so here at Alpine 6 Action News, we decided to investigate the album ourselves for any sign of satanic work.

“Ms. Rachel has become very vocal about not wanting children to die, which I don’t really think should be that radical of an idea, but it’s fucking 2026 and I don’t know what’s real and what’s not anymore,” said Brad, the unpaid intern, whom we locked in a room with Ms. Rachel’s album in the event we accidently tear open a portal to the upside-down, like in Stranger Things. “I just wrote an article about Furry yiff parties, so it only makes sense that Ms. Rachel tapped into the power of Mephistopheles to write a song about counting to 20.”

To test the album for demonic characteristics, we had Brad play the song I Love a Rainbow in reverse. We chose this song because it’s well known that devils love rainbows due to the fact they make God’s most faithful cult members incredibly uncomfortable around members of the same sex, forcing them to feel unnatural feelings they tried to keep buried deep down inside, causing them to do unholy things that shan’t be named.

Hiding satanic messages in reversed music dates back to the 1900s when London-based band Led Zeppelin hid the lyrics “here’s to my sweet Satan. I sing because I live with Satan. He will give those with him 666. There was a little toolshed where he made us suffer, sad Satan,” in their satanic cult classic, Stairway to Heaven, on the album Led Zeppelin IV, released in 1971.

I love a rainbow resulted in no evidence of satanic intervention. But leaving it like that wouldn’t make for a very good story, so we had Brad play the album’s titular song, I’m so happy in reverse next to see what would happen. It was a logical next song to choose because what’s the opposite of happy? That’s right, it’s sad. And who is sad all the time? That’s right! Goth girls. And who do Goth girls worship? It’s Satan! You’re so good at this.

We could see on Brad’s exhausted face that he didn’t want to do this anymore, but we promised him he could join us at the next corporate pizza party if he just sucked it up for a few more minutes, to which he agreed.

As the record began to spin in its counterclockwise direction, the air turned cold and the lights began to flicker. Brad looked at us with begging eyes, but we insisted he continued. We told him it was just the Nor’easter. Nothing to worry about. Round and round the record went. The reversed lyrics sounded like nothing more than garbled noises at first, but then Sheila, our resident ancient Aramaic translator, began to recognize some words. Brag banged on the window, pleading to us to let him out, but we were too focused on the music to notice the room’s floor crumbling away under his feet, sucking him into the endless void of Kur.

“I could barely hear Brad bitching about being sucked into the underworld over the vibrant Mesopotamian melody,” said Sheila. “But to be fair, Brad bitched about a lot of things. Like, ‘oh, look at poor little Brad, not getting paid to do all this work’, God, it was annoying. So, no, I didn’t notice him. Do I feel bad about it now? Kinda. But I’m sure I’ll get over that.”

While Brad was begging for his life, a giant demon, emerged from the depths of hell. Were we frightened? A little, sure. Not, like, whining and pissing our pants scared like Brad, but I’ll admit our hearts were thumping a little more than normal. After a few minutes of overcoming the language barrier, it turns out Gregory–no shit, that’s the demon’s name–was summoned through the ancient tongue to roam the Earth and rapture anyone who willingly engages in the mortal sin of genocide.

“I have been summoned by the Guardian of Children to reap the souls of those who would cast aside the life of a child to appease the will of evil,” said Gregory in a haunting, yet kinda hot baritone voice. “Children should not die because fragile men cannot cast aside their differences to live in harmony. Those men will suffer by my hand for the pain they cause humanity’s purest form.”

With that, Gregory smashed a hole in the wall of the newsroom and set off on his journey.

We don’t know the status of Brad. He’s probably dead.

But more importantly, we have confirmed that for once, the crazy moms on Facebook aren’t crazy at all (this time). Ms. Rachel’s album is, in fact, a musical key to opening a portal to the netherworld and summoning a monster from the depths of hell to vanquish those who would do evil deeds against children around the world.

Normally, we’d condemn such actions. But it seems like it’s for a good cause. Anyway, go pick up a copy of Ms. Rachel and Mr. Aron’s debut album today and sing along as Gregory passes on the Gods’ judgement against men.