Cornell offers new course on how to get away with sexual misconduct

ITHACA, N.Y. – Cornell University announced it is offering a new series of courses this fall semester that focuses on how students can get away with flagrant sexual misconduct, a lesson the school believes will help this younger generation excel in a today’s woke workplace environment.

News about this new series of classes comes at a conspicuous time for the university as a former student is alleging that she was drugged and raped in 2024 by seven members of the Chi Phi fraternity. The former student’s lawyer also claims none of the alleged assaulters were arrested, however, two were later expelled and the others were handed the school’s second most serious punishment, writing an essay.

“I know a lot of people online are upset about the essay punishment,” said Tad Crater, a sexual misconduct and glass blowing professor. “But I think you underestimate just how much college students, especially fraternity boys, hate writing essays. It was 2024, ChatGPT was still new, they probably didn’t even know about it, yet. I’m confident those boys totally learned their lesson and won’t get caught again.”

According to the university’s statement, “Our male students are currently in a vulnerable time of their lives, where they’re maturing and learning who they are as men. We shouldn’t be too harsh to judge their actions and pass punishment that could ultimately undermine their future success. Also, she was probably wearing something that gave them the impression she wanted their advances.”

Crater went on to say that he was so impressed by the boys’ essays that they inspired the school’s decision to look into offering this new course of study.

“I’ll admit, 10 or 15 years ago someone like me would’ve probably been fired for even suggesting we offer classes on how to get away with rape,” said Crater. “But look at the world around us, every little thing someone does, every dick pic they send, every tweet, is a threat that might come back and ruin their lives somewhere down the road. But the world’s most successful men know how to navigate this difficult road and, here at Cornell, we aim to ensure all our boys, err, I mean students, leave here with the highest chance of success. That’s what these courses are all about.”

The announcement of the university’s new classes has made portions of the internet—namely everyone who isn’t a Russian bot, troll, or random dude who has the word “alpha” in his bio—speak out against the decision.

To try and ease this new public relations nightmare, Cornell invited the public to a town hall event to air their grievances.

“In 2015, audio recordings were released of President Trump claiming he likes to grab women by the pussy and now we have a generation of young idiots who think that kind of behavior is okay,” said Margaret Blaire, a local woman at the town hall. “And now we have colleges that aren’t even trying to sweep this scandal under the rug, they’re actively teaching young men how to violate a woman and get away with it. It’s absolutely disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself.”

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” Replied Crater. “I was thinking about boobs.”

Supporters of Cornell’s decision were quick to point out that people’s anger toward the school was misguided as nothing more than “the flavor of the week” for people who get upset at everything they see online.

“People just have to be mad about something,” said Michael Larry Scott, a douche with three first names. “People having sex at college parties isn’t something new. It’s been happening since, like, forever. Sure, sometimes it isn’t ‘consensual’ but what does that even mean? Seriously, if a dude’s drunk you can’t blame him for what happens when that raw, animalistic instincts kick in. That’s nature, baby.”

According to an Alpine 6 Action News poll, 92% of adults that maintained a GPA higher than their BAC, disagree with Scott and the university, with 100% of those participants agreeing that maintaining the status quo on sexual assault and harassment isn’t something we, as a nation, should be striving for.

“If a house is on fire, you don’t keep feeding it fuel to keep the flames burning,” said Patrick Sullivan, 40, from Hoboken, New Jersey. “It’s 2026 and I don’t even understand why we’re still having this conversation. I mean Jesus Christ, the fact a woman can’t leave her house in this country without fearing that she might be raped or killed is ridiculous. This is why women don’t come forward and it’s gross. We need to do better.”

Cornell University has put a pause on the new classes, claiming it will do a full review of the situation and either release the results when it’s completed or quietly let it go once the heat from the media cools off.