Study: 6.7% of gamers you meet online have, in fact, slept with your mom

WASHINGTON – If you’ve ever been fully engaged in an online multiplayer game when some random noob shouts out over their microphone that they’re going to, or have slept with your mother, there’s a 6.7% chance they’re telling the truth. This is according to a recently published Pew Research Center study.

6.7% may not seem like a staggering number of people, but when you take into consideration that the average video game player plays against tens, if not hundreds of thousands of players across their gaming careers, that means your mom has likely seen more action Kash Patel‘s tube sock after a session of Animal Crossing.

“Most gamers like to believe trash talk about their mothers is nothing more than playful banter between two strangers in an online competition of wits,” said Jasmine O’Neil, lead researcher of the study, as well as a mother of four and mistress to three online gamers. “But the truth is, video gaming is rapidly becoming one of the most popular activities in the world with about 61% of people saying they engage in online gaming in one form or another. With that dense of a population data point, it’s inevitable that your mom has slept with someone you’ve played against online, probably more. The data suggests many, many more.”

According to the Entertainment Software Association, there were approximately 3.6 billion gamers in the world, which exceeds the global subscription base for Netflix, Spotify, and Disney+ combined, and has an average growth rate of about 3.5%. If you remove the total number of gamers under the age of 18 (because we’re not into any Epstein shit around here), you’re left with about 2.7 – 2.8 billion gamers in the world that are old enough to legally engage in coitus with your mom.

If you take the average global gaming community of 2.75 billion people and take out the average number of basement dwelling nerds who’ll never see any action outside of their candy.ai subscription, and organize the data by country, state, and city, if applicable, you’ll find that the number of potential one-night suitors is a much more digestible number.

“I think the concept of a global pool of potential mates is a little overwhelming for young gamers to comprehend,” said O’Neil. “So, in our study’s data, we’ve done our best to break that data down to the smallest possible populations your mom is likely to choose to fornicate with. Is it a perfect science? No. But seeing that there’s only, maybe 200,000 men and women she could potentially sleep with is a lot more comforting than two billion.”

Despite the overwhelming evidence that the likelihood of your mom sleeping with one of those assholes who shot you in the back then teabagged you is now, or ever has, teabagged your mom for their own mutual enjoyment, is still something many gamers have a hard time wrapping their head around.

“I didn’t believe it at first,” said Timmy Carlson, 19. “I thought the stories of gamers sleeping with other gamers’ moms was just a myth. But then AssClapper69, a real bastard of a Fortnite player, showed up at my door with a bouquet of roses in his hand. He took my mom to dinner—a real nice one too, just like he promised—and now he’s my stepdad. So, I guess the stories are true.”

As the number of gamers around the country continues to grow, so do the number of gamer on gamer-mother incidents. All around the country, support groups are rising up to provide emotional and spiritual support to those in need.

“We believe in creating a safe place for gamers to come together, LAN, and be free to game without the worry of someone on the other side of that microphone sleeping with your mother,” said Dan Franklin, founder of Dungeons and Daniel, a gamer support group based out of his mother’s basement in Plano, Texas. “I know the struggle these young men and women are going through. From this very basement, I can recall many nights when I could hear my arch nemesis, a Counterstrike player named DeezNutts420, ramming my mother against the headboard of her bed while my dad watched from a cuck chair in the corner. That’s not an experience any child should endure. So now, this basement, an area that was once my dungeon, is now a safe haven to those who need it.”

Even as our society becomes more liberal with the concepts of sex, the stigma of a fellow gamer sleeping with your mom remains taboo. Researchers suggest that as more provocative and life-like video games are developed, the situation is only going to get worse.

“We’re not dealing with polygon boobies anymore,” said Tad Crater, a video game boob researcher. “Have you seen the graphics on GTA 6? Holy moly, those tatas look as real as ever. The curves, the cleavage, the overall bounce physics of fatty tissue interacting with the world. It’s remarkable. I forgot the point of this conversation.”

Let us know in the comments if you’ve ever fallen victim of an online competitor hooking up with your mom, or (you sly dog, you) have been the one to create this emotional trauma for someone else online.