“Pics or it didn’t happen”, guys online want more proof of Boebert’s lesbian affair

WASHINGTON – In the wake of the news that Representative Lauren Boebert allegedly had sexual relations with three staffers, including two women, men across the internet have been flocking to porn websites searching for leaked images.

According to their wives and girlfriends, the men have been seeking these images as proof of her lewd and unprofessional behavior.

“I caught my boyfriend Steven on the website, politicianleaks.net searching for the pictures of Representative Boebert,” said Sarah Gleason, 24. “I told him that I thought it was gross to be searching for that stuff, but he said it was important, as a registered voter, to confirm her infidelity before jumping to any conclusions that may, or may not, sway his opinion of her. Especially when she’s up for re-election.”

Steven DeLong, a lifelong Democrat who doesn’t even live in Colorado, admits he was on a fap crusade to find the alleged images, but insists it was only because he wants to be a well-informed voter.

“Look, as a Democratic Socialist, I abhor Boebert and everything she stands for,” said DeLong. “But objectively speaking, she’s one of the hottest members of Congress under the age of 80. Plus, lesbian porn is 100-percent bipartisan. Everyone loves lesbians.”

Boebert’s indiscretion first came to light after a House ethics complaint was filed, accusing the 39-year-old Colorado Republican of engaging sexual misconduct with three of her staffers and paying another $200,000 to not file a complaint.

Boebert has denied the allegations, which spurred many right-wingers to flock to the internet to see if it was true, or if it was just another left-wing conspiracy to undermine the Constitution, President Trump, and God.

“Pics or it didn’t happen,” said Chaz Cuckold, a conservative podcaster. “If the pics exist, let me see them. They’re probably AI and a communist plot. But I’ll be the judge of that. There’s no level these Dumocrats won’t stoop to in order to unlawfully overthrow God’s chosen. If they don’t exist, well, fine. I guess. I can use my imagination.”

Boebert is no stranger to public scrutiny regarding sexual misconduct. In 2023, she made headlines after being caught on camera getting escorted out of a Denver theater after “groping” her date, i.e. giving him a hand job, during a performance of Beetlejuice.

According to Tad Crater, a Congressional sexual misconduct historian, the circumstances surrounding Boebert’s controversy are truly unprecedented.

“There was once a time when such deviant behavior would be automatic cause for impeachment,” said Crater. “But we have a President who has been accused of sexual misconduct by dozens of women and is an alleged pedophile with strong connections to convicted sex-trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. So, I guess, a Republican woman playing with a staffer’s pussy and paying hush money is rather vanilla.”

Boebert has a long history of voting against LGBTQ rights and has built a brand around being a proponent of traditional family values. So, naturally, an alleged lesbian affair has caused quite a ruckus among her base.

“I’ve been told from a very young age that homosexuality was a sin,” said Mary Palmer, 39. “I voted for Boebert because I believed she was a God-fearing Christian, too. But this behavior, if true, can only mean one of two things. Either she is a no-good lesbian liberal who’s been lying to us. Or, this insatiable urge to finger bang every sexy woman I see isn’t as unnatural as I was led to believe. Dear lord Jesus, please help me understand what’s true and what’s sin.”

In a rare, exclusive interview with Alpine 6 Action News, Jesus said, “bang that pussy, sister. Bang away!”