JD Vance clarifies what kind of fart is on the “fart left”

GREENSBORO, N.C. – While campaigning for midterm GOP hopefuls, Vice President JD Vance described the “far left” as the “fart left” during a rally in Greensboro, in what appeared to be a Freudian slip. Or was it?

In an exclusive interview with Alpine 6 Action News, the country’s number two has clarified that yes, he actually describes people who lean politically to the left as a type of flatulence, but he also spent the majority of the conversation describing in great detail the different kinds of fart classifications and which kind of fart he would assign to people across the political spectrum.

“One of the things I love about President Trump is his wittiness with name calling,” said Vance, gently rubbing his fingers through the seam between the cushions of the loveseat in his hotel room. “He’s so smart. He said Democrats are dumb because they didn’t know dumb had a ‘b’ at the end, so he called the Dumocrats. Get it? He’s so funny. But my girlfriend Erika said I get to be president one day, too, so I knew I needed my own funny nickname for the dummies on the left who vote for things like common sense and human rights. And what does ‘far’ sound like? That’s right. It sounds like ‘fart’.”

The uncontrollable laughter that bellowed out of this 42-year-old manchild left me both disturbed and fascinated by the cognitive abilities of the mentally impaired and the progress we’ve made as a country, and as a society, to allow those with cognitive challenges to participate in everyday life as if they were a normal boy.

Vance told me there are five major classifications of fart that he uses when analyzing political fecal status; stinky and loud, stinky and quiet, loud and odorless, quiet and odorless, and ‘oh shit, I shit my pants again’.

According to the Vice President, he classifies his cohort of right-wing extremists as the quiet and odorless kind of fart—that is, a type of flatulence you could allow to seep out of your butt in the middle of an important meeting in which you’re discussing a ceasefire from the war you started with Iran, and no one would be the wiser.

“It’s kind of like when President Trump poopies his pants, because he’s old,” said Vance. “Most people would think that would be really, super stinky, but it’s not. My wife Usha says it’s because I’m just used to the smell, but it’s really because he is a QAF farter. That’s ‘quiet and friendly’.”

As for his polar opposite, the “fart left”?

“Oh my god, those guys are so bad,” said Vance, giggling like an 8-year-old girl who just found out Jimmy, who sits on the other side of Ms. Catherine’s classroom, passed her a note saying that he ‘like,’ liked her. “I call them the poopy pants farting party because they stink so bad. Like, I couldn’t even imagine what smelling that bad would actually smell like. Well, like, poop I guess. But you want to know something funny?”

“Sure,” I say with a heavy sigh.

“Just yesterday I told my friend Lauren Boebert that she was also now a member of the poopy pants farting party because someone told me she kissed a girl and my mom always told me that girls are supposed to only kiss boys, not girls. That’s weird and gross.”

I now understand why Kaitlan Collins refuses to smile when interviewing to these guys.